Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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