got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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