I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Randomize
