can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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