I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
