why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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