CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
