If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize
