to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
