3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
