I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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