He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
