We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
