I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
