this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Randomize
