Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
