I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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