She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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