I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
