i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
