Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
