morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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