you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
