I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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