the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
