4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
