Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
