Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
