Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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