nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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