I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
