her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
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