I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
