I didn't shave. On purpose
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
