Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
