I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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