She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You need a sexual gate keeper
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
