I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
