i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
he fucked my hip out of place.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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