He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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