I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
