I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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