I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
