You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
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