New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
