I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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