I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
why do cheetos always look like penises
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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