Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
