you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
and she was petting her beer can
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
