the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
