man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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