Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
