Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
