I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
The Olympian is in my bed
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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