Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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