there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
