I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
