He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
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He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
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I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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