what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
